hello, my little cinnamon buns.
today's going to be a little different than my previous entries, mostly because i don't feel like my usual upbeat self. truth be told, i'm a sad little guava today, and it's all because it's my birthday.
here's a little side note before i start spilling out the reason why i decided to post a blogpost even when i'm suppose to be on my hiatus from the internet because of my a-levels, i'm always sad whenever it's my birthday. don't get me wrong, i do always seem like i look forward to that one day dedicated to commemorate the day i was born, but it was mostly done in hopes that maybe faking it would actually make it come true. despite my many efforts, by the end of the day, i always feel empty and just... sad.
it seems to me that whenever birthdays come, i have this ultimate pressure to see whether or not i've been a great person to my friends for the whole year and they'll appreciate me by wishing-slash-remembering-slash-giving me an unforgettable birthday, which is silly of me because it seems so superficial. the other thing about birthdays is that i'm a year older, one year less for me to fool around and still not know what to do with my future. and since it's my last year as a teen this year, it makes me even more stressed out because i'd be entering the young adult phase next year, and it's scary! not to mention the mid-terms or finals that are always around because my birthday is on May.
before you guys start calling me an ungrateful human being because there are still good friends of mine that remember this day, and family member who'd never fail to let me feel special on this very day, here me out. i am eternally grateful for these people in my life because without them, i might just fall deeper into depression. but this actually made my feelings worse because when i know i should be grateful and happy, i'm feeling empty and sad, and i'm guilty about it. now i have an extra feeling which i don't want to... feel.
anyways, back to the point. the reason why i'm writing this blog today is because i wanted to share the 19 things i've regretted throughout my life. (hint hint, i am 19 this year) in a way, this is my special little way of letting go of these things that is weighing me down in hopes that i'll wake up with a smile tomorrow. so without further a due, here's the 19 'how it could've been's in my life.
1. how it could've been you graduating from an international school instead of being stuck in your old high school for 5 years.
2. how it could've been you getting a better education with the results you obtain if only you knew how to apply those scholarships.
3. how it could've been you leaving the country and have the whole 'start life anew' scenario if only you'd be more daring,
4. how it could've been you whom teachers remember and are friends with instead of being the quiet little mouse who'd rather not be involve in things because you're scared of failure.
5. how it could've been you whom held a more important position in your association instead of being a nobody in that board for about five years.
6.how it could've been you that people would look up if only you'd had more accomplishment.
7.how it could've been you hanging around with your friends and have a closer bond if only you hadn't cut people out because of your fear of rejection.
8.how it could've been you enjoying your last teen years with your peers instead of stressing about a course that you regret taking,
9.how it could've been you having a wider social circle instead of having those handful of friends because of your social anxiety.
10.how it could've been you being an ambassador of some kind if only you don't have that low self esteem of yours.
11.how it could've been you being an entrepreneur in something you like if only you'd have more courage.
12.how it could've been you finishing your course in college without any stress instead of constantly procrastinating because you're afraid of your responsibilities.
13.how it could've been you performing in the philharmonic if only you had put more effort in your piano.
14.how it could've been you who'd be truly happy more often instead of faking it if only you know how to express it.
15.how it could've been you who have the recognition of your talents if only you had the courage to show it.
16.how it could've been you who'd the first person people would think of inviting if only you'd sound out your longing of participation.
17.how it could've been you who do not have the fear of missing out instead of finding out those little gathering on social media.
18.how it could've been you feeling more relieved if only you hadn't invest most of your time and energy in a relationship that is obviously one-way.
19.how it could've been you not feeling hurt whenever you see him with another girl.
and that is all. maybe one day i'll write a blog about the good things that had happen in my life to counter these regrets, but for now, this is all i'm going to blog about. i'm sorry if its too sad today, especially with all these lower-case, but its all to prove how unenthusiastic i am today. and i guess i'm really bad at expressing my emotions because after the whole day, i'm currently very very tired. physically and emotionally drained. all in all, i really hope all these feelings may be due to the unfortunate stress i'm facing (trust me, i don't want to be those kind of person who treats their exam as if it's the only thing that matters.) or the stupid teenage hormones in my system.
either way, if you're ever feeling the way i'm feeling now, do know that it's okay to feel sad from time to time, it is part of the human's emotions. but always give yourself an amount of time to feel sad and then try to cheer yourself up. if you don't, you might just fall into depression and that's a whole other thing. you can try going to sleep because i always find myself getting extremely sad and unmotivated whenever i'm tired.
that's all for today, i'll be going off to listen to some dodie's music now, since her genre suites my current mood.
happy birthday mungbean.
till next time, my little cinnamon buns.
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