It's been awhile since I uploaded a blogpost, and I lot had happened in my life. From finishing college to getting a job, all I can say is my life had changed. For better or for worse, only time can tell. While One Direction's 'Little Things' plays in the background, I thought I would share with you guys something pretty personal about my life, a little revelation I got at 2 a.m. last night. So buckle up, sweethearts. It's story time!
I remember just a year ago I was sitting with a friend of mine in an empty classroom in college, both of us waiting for time to past so we can head over to our next class. Kudos to our amazing college for giving us a timetable that consist of awkward break time in between classes that are too short to go back home to rest, and too long for a simple lunch at the cafeteria. Anyways, we were just talking about anything that came to our minds, like the times we had in high school and the times we had in college. When all of a sudden I blurted out this question, "Have you ever been in a relationship?"
Now, a little backstory about myself. I was a wallflower in an all girls high school with some self esteem issue. My lack of participation in school activities and poor socializing skills led me to have no friends of the male gender for four years or so. Needless to say, I was as single as a freaking pringle. And being a hopeless romantic, getting a boyfriend was kind of like a dream to me.
However, my friend, whose dating life was just as uneventful as mine, gave me an answer that came as a shock to me. Her reply, as i can recall, was "I'm not looking for a relationship. I don't really want to find my first love just yet."
At this point of my life, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't desperate for a little romance in my life. Even if it's just a fling, I'll take my chances. From the TV shows we see to our peers among us, it kind of led me to think that at my age, I should have my first boyfriend by now or else there would be something seriously wrong about me. If it's not so, why am I not date-able? So it led me to ask her the question, "Why?".
"Well, I don't believe that there's such a thing as a first and last love. I know it happens, but it's like those one in a million occasion. Eventually, you'll need to breakup with your first boyfriend, and with every heartbreak, you loose yourself a bit. And I just want to be who I originally am right now." Or at least that's what I can remember. (Please don't judge me, it was a year ago, and I don't have an eidetic memory like Sheldon Cooper.)
Anyways, what I really remembered from that little encounter was the fact that she said with every heartbreak, you loose yourself a little. And it actually took me a year to finally understand what she meant. Fast forward to a few months back, I got into a so-called 'relationship' where we both acted like we're in a relationship but we don't label ourselves as one. I'm not going into details but it didn't end in a way I hope it would.
In a nutshell, even though it's not an actual relationship to begin with, the hurt after the split up sure does feels like one. And it dawns upon me, no matter what label you give to the thing you have with someone, be it a one-sided crush to a love affair greater than twilight, it still involved two person and those goddamned feelings. And when you decided to end things, the hurt you get from the aftermath kills a little part of you you never know existed.
I still couldn't believe an innocent teen who has never been in a relationship like my friend actually understood any of that, but there is a proof behind her wise words, for I have lost a bit of myself today. I'm still in the healing process, and even when things didn't work out for the two of us, I'm still glad it happened. At least I'll have something to reminisce about my teenage years... Before I turn to the big Two-O next year.
So that's all for today, I hope my little life experience might be of some help for you guys. On a completely different note, I'm currently working on a little novella of mine called "In For A Fling" on Wattpad which I would really appreciate it if you guys go and check it out. Ironically, it's about a girl and her best friend going to Australia to find a fling, only to realize a fling wasn't really what she wanted. Funny how I wrote that 3 years ago, yet I only relate to it now. I'll post more about the book in my next blogpost, in the meantime, go check it out by clicking the book cover or its caption! Bye bye for now~
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| In For A Fling book cover |
xoxo
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Twitter: @beaniesoo98
Wattpad: @mungbean98
